well, that didn't last long

I hope you all took a zen/sense of humour approach to my very brief ‘return’ to blogging. I wanted to, but shit happened (I went to someone about my neck and it got really hurt and I had an almighty freaker over it, it’s sort of better now) and I stopped and once out of a habit it takes a will strong enough to push a mountain to get me moving again.

But I have resolved to try to do things more organically of late, as opposed to trying to bend myself into compliance with the iron will of my ‘all-knowing’ left-brain conditioning (the ‘should’ thought machine that runs 24/7 in all of us). What that means is that I am trying to stop waking up in the morning and working out all the things I should do in the day to make me feel like I haven’t been lazy/unsatisfactory as a human being. Usually the argument goes like this: you should go to the gym/go for a walk/learn to bake a new gluten free bread (yes, I have recently discovered I’m intolerant to gluten, what a BITCH)/tidy such and such a room/put the new music software on the computer/make dinner/lunch/breakfast from scratch etc. ad infinitum. Basically all the aspirational things that would be great to do, but I want to get them all done in one day. Well, some part of my mind does, reality says otherwise.

So my new experiment is to let the day evolve ‘organically’, to let go of trying to plan and control everything I do in the hopes of turning every day into a useful or time well spent sort of day. What used to happen to me was that I would get so overwhelmed by the struggle between my unrealistic requests of myself (often I would be saying I should go to the gym whilst my stomach was in pain, so my mind was saying one thing and my body was protesting another and I wasn’t able to listen), and would end up paralysed, drifting around the house getting not much of anything done because of shitty feelings of inadequacy/guilt.

So this morning I have some choices to make and I’m trying to just do what I feel like, because really, the world wont end if I prioritise the wrong thing or feel afterwards that another activity would have been better. I woke up thinking gym would be good, but I need to walk (have started using my pedometer again to do 10k steps a day, great weight loss aid [among others], I’m down to 67kg from 90kg since this time last year, 64 is my target), also, I wanted to make dinner (long day in work today) and I was also thinking about getting my hair cut. This is obviously too much for one morning. But instead of getting upset or locked in a vice grip of inability to make a decision, I’m just taking my time and waiting to see what most appeals to me, in a relaxed way. It feels good!

I know this all sound rather neurotic, but that shouldn’t come as a terrible surprise to anyone

Who knows if I’ll last this time. I might, because I have set up a cool little den for myself here in the av room, nice speakers, little pillow wrapped in a red fleece for the lads to sleep on beside me (all are well and up to their usual shenanigans), Windows 7 freshly installed on the computer and the sun comes flooding in here in the mornings, it’s lovely. I’ll try to apply the organic thing to this too.

I’ll leave you with a picture from when I was in South Africa (maybe 6 years ago?), I’m moving backed up files onto this computer so…